


Can’t Lose You

by comeonbalfe



Category: Outlander (TV) RPF
Genre: AU, Angst, Drama, F/M, NSFW, hurt-comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:33:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26651473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comeonbalfe/pseuds/comeonbalfe
Summary: A story about two people who are feeling comfortable only around each other. Will they be able to overcome the unexpected troubles coming their way?
Relationships: Caitriona Balfe/Sam Heughan
Comments: 68
Kudos: 136





	1. Hold Me

**Author's Note:**

> It started as a 3 paragraphs note on my phone. It now has over 13K words.  
> This is my first ever fanfic written in English. It could have been so much better if it was in my first language;  
> All the mistakes are mine;  
> I thank my beta-readers Audra and Meredith with all my heart;  
> I thank my two best friends for encouraging me, and for throwing ideas at me;  
> I don't think the described events could’ve actually happened, so I call it AU;  
> I just love Cait and Sam together, that's all. If you don't - stay away from this fic and have a nice day :)  
> P.S. Feedback encourages the creators. And, I’m not an exception.

_I just need someone to hold me I need you_   
_Hold me there's nothing else you can do_   
_Hold me, set me free._

_< <_

It was 3.30 in the morning.

Sam woke up from the erratic knocking on the door of his house. The only person who he thought that could be was Caitríona Balfe, his costar, partner and friend. But he hadn’t heard from her in almost three months. Deep inside he wished it was her on the other side of the door. He didn’t expect her to come. She didn’t tell him she would. It could be her if things were different. Because it wouldn’t be the first time she would do that. He still remembers that night when he woke up at almost 2am from a phone call, it was Cait, of course, and she was laughing as she read him some funny parts of the new script. Or when she showed up after midnight in his hotel room with a bottle of wine because she found herself bored.

It was always her.

 _But not this time_ , he thought.

Sam opened the door slowly, yawning and rubbing his right eye. Half awake he couldn’t recognize right away the figure standing in front of him. But that, indeed, was Caitríona. Sam woke up immediately. He saw she was shivering, hair messy and wet from the pouring rain, wearing damp clothes and dirty shoes. Her eyes were swollen and red. “ _Was she crying before coming to me here_?” Sam asked himself. Not the best look she had, indeed. He tensed and his eyes widened when he saw a single tear rolling down her cheek. “Caitríona, what happe...?” But she wouldn’t let him finish. She fell into his arms, crying.

“Oh, Sam...”

He instantly pulled her closer to himself with one hand and closed the door with the other. They slowly moved to the living room without breaking the contact. Cait clearly refused to let go of Sam and his warm chest. She cried into it, looking for peace and comfort, which he was ready to provide her with without any doubt, and despite everything.

“It’s been a horrible day and night, and I... I need you now.” Her cries turned into sobs.

“Shhhhhh,” he touched her hair and caressed it, slowly running his fingers through it. “God, you are scaring me, what happened? Will you tell me?” Seeing Cait like this for the first time was too much for him to handle. Especially not knowing the reason, and if he could even help her at all. After everything that happened between them, it was still Cait. His Cait, who he cared for deeply. Right now at 3.30am, nothing mattered to him, just the woman in his arms and nothing else. She was shaking, not able to say a word, to explain what was going on.

“Just hold me, please,” was all she managed to say as her voice broke. So did Sam’s heart. And he did hold her, with all he had in him. He held her and rubbed her back, and whispered sweet nothings into her ear, breathing her in as she continued to sob. They stood like this for a good five minutes until Sam quickly glanced into the window and didn’t notice any car.

“Where’s your car?!” He asked nervously. “Don’t tell me you got here on your two little feet.”

Caitríona nodded and let out the last sob. “My car is not working. I took the taxi, and… The driver...he got confused... He got me to the wrong house, what an idiot, and I was just so mad, and I didn’t want to argue, I just got out of the car and walked... I know the road, okay, you don’t have to worry.” Cait finally lifted her head and looked Sam in the eyes. He had the most worried look, and his t-shirt was wet from her tears mixed with the raindrops from her hair. “Sorry, I think I ruined your clothes...” she said and looked away with a guilty face.

“Wait... In the rain, alone, in the middle of the night? And you don’t want me to worry?” He pulled her closer again. “Damn it, Balfe. Please promise me that you won’t do this ever again.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

He cared about her. Of course, he did. 

“Now, will you tell me what happened?” Their eyes met again. Cait stopped crying, at last. She took a step back and looked around.

“Your living room, it changed a bit since... since I last was here.”

Sam realized she was not planning to tell him why she was here all in tears, looking like a mess. Changing the subject. How smart. “Yes, I got, umm, this new couch, and a coffee table.”

“These are nice.”

“Thank you.”

Cait gave him a little smile before her face got serious again, then shivered and sighed. “I think I need some dry clothes, Sam.”

Awkward silence.

Sam scratched his head. “Right. I’ll get you something dry.” He turned on his heels and disappeared into his bedroom. Caitríona looked in the mirror hanging above the white couch, and rolled her eyes at the reflection. Literally never in her life had she allowed herself to look like this. At least, in someone’s presence.

“Here, a clean t-shirt and warm socks. Sorry, they might be big for you...”

“It’s fine,” she cut him off and pulled off her green jumper over the head exposing her bare breasts. Sam looked away. “Come on, Sam, see anything you haven’t seen before?” Cait said nervously as she put on his fresh cotton t-shirt. It felt good on her, loose and soft. She took off the jeans as well, luckily for both of them the t-shirt was long enough to cover her thighs.

“No, it’s just... you’re in my house…” He started but Cait cut him off again.

“But I already was in your house naked once, do you remember?”

Of course, he remembered. He remembered everything from the moment they got in here drunk after the wrap-party til the moment her legs were around his back, and she was screaming his name. In the morning she left. And they never talked about it. In fact, they never talked at all. For three months.

“Maybe you want some hot tea?” Sam asked. “I can make it, and...”

“Sorry, I snapped at you,” Cait interrupted him again, putting on his dark blue socks. “No, I think, not tea... do you have some whisky?”

“We’re in Scotland, Balfe, and you know me, of course I have”. Sam grabbed a bottle and a glass from his mini bar.

“You are not going to drink with me?” Cait got surprised seeing just one glass.

“No. It’s just for you. Help yourself. And I need to change. My shirt is all wet and dirty, too. And, maybe you need to wash your face, you look... horrible.” With this he walked out of the room and closed the door behind him.

“Okay... Fuck you...” she whispered knowing he couldn’t hear her anyway. She noticed the mood change, and she knew it was her fault. _How could he talk to me like this? But… maybe I deserve it_ , she thought and took a big sip of whisky before heading to the bathroom. She turned on the water and looked in the mirror at herself again. At her red face, swollen eyes and messy hair. A total disaster. She bit her bottom lip just not to cry again, but failed. Another portion of tears flooded her cheeks. _God... I just hate myself,_ she thought.

She sat on the floor and buried her face in her hands. Water was still running loudly, disappearing in the sink, and she thought Sam wouldn’t hear her cries. But she was wrong.

“Caitríona? Are you okay there? May I come in?” she heard his voice and a knock on the door.

“Yes, sure... This is your house after all,” she replied and he came in. He came in, and seeing her sit on the floor in tears broke his heart all over again, like it wasn’t broken twice already during this night.

“Look,” he started, “either you tell me what the hell is going on with you, or I call the taxi, and you go home, and if you’re lucky it will not be the same driver that brought you here.”

“No, not home, please. Can I stay here...with you? Please?” Cait looked at his face and touched his left arm, looking for approval. Her lips were still trembling. Sam’s heart clenched.

“Okay. You can stay here. But first you have to get up and wash your pretty face. I’m gonna make you tea whether you want it or not. You’re shaking, and sitting on the cold floor in just one t-shirt will do you no good.”

“Okay,” she nodded and he helped her get up. “Thank you”.

Sam gave her a quick smile and left her alone.

***

It took Caitríona almost twenty minutes until she decided she looked decent enough, and was able to finally collect herself to leave the bathroom. The smell of the camomile tea reached her nose as soon as she opened the door. A big cup of hot drink was waiting for her on that new coffee table. Sam was sitting on his new white couch. It was past 4am and Cait suddenly felt really bad for waking him up and showing up at his place like this.

“Sam, I wanted...”

“Please, sit.” He gestured at the couch.

She obeyed and settled on the other end of this comfortable and soft piece of furniture. _Perfect choice_ , she thought.

“I wanted to say...thank you. For letting me in here, for taking care of me, for a t-shirt, whisky and for the tea”, she said as she took the cup and made a few sips. “Wow, it’s really good.”

“You’re welcome,” Sam said quietly and looked her straight in the eyes. She caught his gaze and took a deep breath. His blue eyes. His face. His hair. His everything was so attractive to her, she found herself staring at his face probably more than she should, then she stared at his lips. The soft light of the lamp played on his face traits. She got lost in it and in her thoughts. A moment later she put the cup back to the table and leaned closer to him not breaking eye contact. Sam tensed and asked a simple question.

“Caitríona... Why are you here?”

That was an unexpected question, indeed. “I… Well...” Cait shook her head, looked away and moved back to the opposite side of the couch. Did she really not know what to say, or was just afraid of saying it out loud?

Sam smirked. “One hour ago you showed up at my doorstep in tears, and told me you needed me. You can’t say what happened to you. Okay, I can accept that. But, why are you really here?”

“Nothing happened. I am here because... I had a horrible day, and...”

“And what? What else, Cait?”

She took a pause and tensed, looking around herself suddenly avoiding any eye contact. “Fine... I... I miss you.” She finally said. “I don’t know when we start filming again, and I hate it that I can’t see you everyday like I used to. I hate how the last time went when we saw each other, and...”

“You...hate what happened last time we saw each other?” Sam asked, his voice sounded shocked.

“That is not what I meant, I’m sorry.”

“Then maybe you also tell me how you are sorry for... for...when you just left without saying a word, when I was asleep, and I never heard from you, until now?”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I left that morning. And didn’t leave any note. I’m sorry I didn’t text and didn’t call. I came home and was like...a zombie. I wanted to call, but I was afraid. And then you didn’t call either and... God, I thought you didn’t want to know me anymore, unless... until... Until we start filming again, then we simply wouldn’t have a choice, you know?” Cait paused and looked at Sam. He didn’t say a word. He just listened to what she had to say, but in return he said nothing. That almost drove her mad. “I really am sorry, Sam.”

He simply kept staring back at her, which made Cait regret everything she just said. So she just stood up, and began to put on her jeans that were still damp from the rain. “I should probably just go... I shouldn’t have come here.” She mumbled and left the living room with her jumper in her hands.

Sam watched Cait leave and it made him jump off the couch and run after her.

“Cait, wait. No. I don’t want you to go,” she heard and turned around just to see Sam standing right behind her with teary eyes. “I do not want you to go, do you hear me?”

“Yes, I hear you.” Cait put the jumper on the table beside her. “You don’t want me to go...” She echoed and tears began to form in the corners of her eyes again. “Damn it, I can’t bloody cry again here, what the... hell?” She laughed and the next second Sam took her face in his hands.

“Then, you are staying,” he said and kissed her on the lips.

Sam felt Cait trembling from the touch of his hands on her face, but he didn’t care. He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to kiss her since the moment he opened the door and saw her standing there in the rain, broken and scared. And now they both were trembling and scared of god knows what, but hungry for each other, and neither of them wanted to let go.

Slowly running his tongue over Cait’s soft lips, Sam savored every inch. Her face was still in his hands as he was afraid she would disappear if he took them away. He pushed her against the wall with his body and broke the kiss for a moment. They stood like that just breathing and looking at each other in silence, only hearing the beating of each other’s hearts.

“Goodness, Balfe... What are you doing to me?” he hissed and kissed her again, sliding one hand and then the other under her t-shirt, touching her bare back, sending shivers down her spine. She was responding to his kiss and it only encouraged him to go further. He moved his lips down to her jaw line and her neck, covering it with hot kisses, and leaving wet traces all over it. Then he went back to her mouth, biting her lips until it began to hurt. It hurt so much and she couldn’t breathe anymore. He was literally taking her breath away.

“I...I can’t breathe, Sam, I cannot breathe, I need air, please, stop, give me a second.” She gently pushed him away. He stepped back and looked at her face when he noticed blood on her lower lip.

“Christ, Caitríona, I’m sorry I hurt you,” he touched her swollen lip with his thumb.

“It’s okay, it’s fine, I’ll be fine.” She looked in the mirror and wiped away the blood with her tongue. She was shocked. Pleasantly surprised, to be precise. Nobody kissed her like that before.

“Cait...” he touched her arm.

“Sam, what are we doing?” She whispered.

“I, I don’t know...”

“We can no longer ignore the elephant in the room... We need to talk. We need to talk about what happened three months ago.”

“Are you sure you want to talk about this?”

“Yes, I am. Because, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t wake up every morning thinking that you hate me, and go to bed with the same thought...”

“I don’t hate you, I can’t hate you, and how can I, Cait? It’s just...” Sam exhaled and took three steps back. “Do you wanna know what went through my mind when I woke up that morning and didn’t find you by my side? I thought I dreamt everything. My head was spinning, I was utterly upset, but I could recall all the things that happened in my bed that night, with you...” Cait’s face started turning red. “And then I smelled your perfume on my pillow, and it made me realize that I didn’t dream it, you know? Except, you weren’t there. You said you felt like a zombie?” Sam sighed, “What a familiar feeling. Because I felt like I was dead, for a couple of weeks. But then life went back to normal, eventually. I tried to distract myself. I traveled a bit here and there. But all I thought about was you. I didn’t even know how you were, because you never called, Caitríona...”

“I’m sorry.” She said again with guilt in her voice. “I was scared...”

“Scared of what? Who? Me?” Sam snapped, but regretted it the same second as he saw her shudder at the sudden rise of his voice. “Jesus, Cait, you told me I was the only person you turn to when you need help or when you feel bad. You told me I was your best friend. Then why did you leave? And I never heard from you. We still have to work together, remember? For the show that you said was the highlight of your career and best thing that happened to you.”

“Yes. But this isn’t about the show, and this isn’t about my job, Sam. This is about us, you and me.”

“I told you I loved you. That night. When you were asleep. Your head rested on my shoulder, you breathed on my neck and I brushed away the hair from your face, and told you that I loved you. You didn’t hear me, and the next morning you were gone.”

“Well, Sam… Here’s the thing,” said Caitríona. “I did hear you.”

>>


	2. Made Your Mark On Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened that night, 3 months ago...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter inspired by the song "Dress" by Taylor Swift. Listen to it, if you haven't. 
> 
> Thank you for the delightful feedback on the first chapter. Hope this one (a very smutty one) doesn't disappoint you... ;)

_Say my name and everything just stops,_  
_I don't want you like a best friend_  
_Only bought this dress so you could take it off_  
_Take it, oh, oh..._  
  


***

“Sooooo, this is where Sam Heughan now lives!” Caitríona shouted once she opened the door and entered Sam’s new house.

  
  
“Yeeep”, Sam replied gesturing at the entrance of his living room. “Welcome!”

  
  
Cait took a quick look around paying attention to the furniture, modern and stylish decor and accessories. She took off her high heels and almost fell. “Oops.” She laughed at herself. She could barely stand on her feet. The enormous dose of alcohol was running through her veins. She was drunk. They were both drunk. 

  
  
“Easy, Balfe...” Sam said and grabbed her elbow to help her stand. “Go, sit on the couch, I’ll bring you aspirin and water. Do you want anything else? Just tell me, okay?”

  
  
“Sure!” She chuckled and settled on the couch. Moonlight made its way through the window, it was the only source of light in the dark living room. Cait liked that. A moment later, Sam appeared with a glass of water and a guilty face.

  
  
“Sorry. Looks like I don’t have aspirin. At all. I’m awful.” Sam mumbled and handed her a glass.

  
  
“Come on, you’re just fine.” She took a glass and emptied it in three seconds. Sam watched her with adoration as he turned on the table lamp, and sat next to her.

  
  
“Nice house you have, Heughan.” Cait said and put the glass on the table. “Can’t believe you finally showed it to me after… How long? Four months?” She added and looked around once again.

  
  
“Nah, I just wanted to make sure it’s decent enough to welcome guests.” Sam laughed and folded his arms over his chest. 

  
  
They sat like this discussing the party and the end of the second season. Both had no plans for upcoming months, and both agreed on doing nothing but rest, and then more rest.

  
  
“How do you think this night should end?” Caitríona asked carefully, when no more topics were left to discuss. She turned to face him. The question thundered in the silent room and hit Sam right in the brain.  
  
“What do you mean?” He looked back at her and felt his insides tighten.

  
  
Cait hesitated for a second and spit it out. “Kiss me.”

  
  
“Okay... Umm, what?” He couldn’t believe what he just heard. “Balfe, you’re drunk... Are you sure you understand what you’re saying?”

  
  
“Yes, I am. I want you to kiss me. And, I want you to make love to me tonight.” Her voice got serious and lower. Sam’s eyes widened and he realized that she wasn’t joking. Cait took his face in her hands. “I know, you want it, too.” She leaned closer, closed her eyes and touched his mouth with her soft lips. “Don’t you want me?” She whispered and lightly brushed his lips with her hot tongue. “I saw you today at the party, you couldn’t take your eyes off me. Like every bloody day… And, last week, you held my waist on set, remember? You think I don’t notice how you always look at me, even when we’re not playing the same scene? Come on, who are we kidding? Don’t you feel anything?” 

  
  
Sam knew that she was right. Because he felt everything. He was attracted to her, and he wanted her from the moment he saw her. But he always had to push these feelings away and concentrate on the job - the show that they were making. Of course, he wanted her. But, he never dared to think about it, nor did he allow himself to talk to her about this. Besides he didn’t think the feeling could be mutual. But today, right now, she is in his house, saying she wants him. He would be a total fool, if he said ‘no’. 

  
  
He got off the couch and started to pace around the room. “Cait... Are you sure you mean what you’re saying? I don’t want this to look like I’m taking advantage of you in your drunken state.” Sam said nervously.

  
  
Caitríona stood next to him and touched his arm. “You are not taking advantage of me. And yes, I am drunk, and what? So are you. I want this. I want you. Don’t _you_ want me?” She asked again. “Please, or I will have to...” but she couldn’t finish the sentence, his lips were on hers in an instant. Sam couldn’t believe what he just did. _Fuck this_ , he thought, as everything inside him kept turning upside down. His hands were shaking from holding back from her for so long. He put them on her tiny waist. And, he started to kiss her.

  
  
This kiss was not like the kisses they used to do for television as a married couple. It was a kiss between two adults who couldn’t hide their thirst for each other anymore. The sexual tension between them was growing each time they had to simulate sex on screen, even if they laughed about doing it after. He would never forget the moment it stopped being a game for him and it got real. It reached to the point when it became literally unbearable. And he couldn’t even talk to anyone about this. Relationships between costars, was it ever a good idea?

  
  
Sam unwillingly broke the kiss to get rid of the black dress Cait was wearing, slowly unzipping it and pulling it down her shape until it fell on the floor. 

  
  
“I only bought this dress so you could take it off…” she whispered into his ear. Sam’s heart jumped in his chest. It was the sexiest thing he had ever heard.

  
  
He put his hands back on her waist, pressing his chest against her soft breasts, breathing heavily. He could feel her hardened nipples even through the fabric of his shirt. He kissed her again. She panted and now Sam just couldn't hold back. He slid his hot tongue into her welcoming mouth and rolled it over her teeth. They both moaned at the same time. Sam’s left hand was holding her waist and the right one was gently sliding down inside her panties. He cupped her buttocks and heard her groan. 

  
  
“Sam... You’re still wearing too many clothes,” Cait murmured, as she pulled his jacket down his arms. It fell on the floor right beside her dress. She wanted to unbutton his shirt, but her hands were trembling. “I want to feel you. I need to feel your skin on me. I want you… I want you so badly, and I feel the unexplainable urge to make you feel something you have never felt before. Please, can you take me to your bedroom, now?”

  
  
“Caitríona… you’re killing me here,” Sam groaned. He lifted her in his arms and carried to the bedroom. Once he put her on the bed, he began to remove the rest of his clothes. In a blink of an eye Cait took off her underware and threw it across the room. She spread her legs and licked her lips. Her face was hot and flushed. Sam still couldn’t believe what was happening. Caitríona Balfe, his partner and friend, was lying naked on his bed, asking him to take her right there and then. 

  
  
He admired the view for longer than he should as his cock was getting so hard it almost hurt when he saw the wetness between her thighs. She was dripping wet. She was so ready. He swallowed then crawled onto the bed and settled next to her. Still hesitant, he leaned in and kissed her, again. For how long? Minutes? Hours? He was lost in time and space. Their kisses were going from gentle to urgent and then back to sweet and tender. 

  
  
“Sam, please, you’re an amazing kisser, you proved it so many times, but I want more. Please, touch me.” And he obeyed. He slowly caressed her shoulders, arms, her belly and hips. Caitríona whimpered and trembled under his touch. Sam smiled, he loved to watch her natural reactions, realizing she clearly had no any control over them, and he was the one who was causing them. When his fingers reached her nipples, she arched her back and moaned louder. “Ohh, yesss, just like that...”

  
  
“I can feel goose bumps everywhere I touch you; lying here with you, I can’t believe this is happening.” Sam whispered into her ear, as he bit and licked her earlobe. His head was still dizzy, spinning from alcohol, but Cait was right, she definitely made him feel something he had never felt before. His dream was coming true.

  
  
“This is happening,” she echoed and lifted her right leg to wrap it around Sam’s waist, begging, with her body this time, to be touched where she needed it most. He slid his shaking hand between their bodies and found her wet and pulsating center against his palm. “I need you inside, please,” Cait moaned as she kept kissing him, pressing herself closer to his body, wrapping her arms around his back. Sam slowly inserted one and then two fingers inside her hot tunnel, and moved them slowly, then faster, then slowly again, rubbing his thumb around her aching clit. Soon, he felt her core started to spasm and he withdrew his fingers. He didn’t want it to end so quickly. He ached to get himself inside her, his entire body was burning with desire. Like a lighting strike, he entered her making her cry out in surprise.

  
  
“Aaaahhgh...” She groaned and stared at him, not breathing, not moving.

  
  
“Oh, did I hurt you?” Sam asked, unsure, searching her face in the darkness of his bedroom.

  
  
“No, you didn’t, please...” She rolled on her back and wrapped now both legs around his waist to take him in deeper. “You’re a god, do you know that?” Cait mumbled as she began to move her thighs. “You feel...so good inside me, please move with me, and don't stop...”

He could do nothing but obey her orders. The woman under him was a goddess herself and he worshipped her, desired her and wanted to make her feel good, and remember this night forever.

He set a pace, thrusting and withdrawing his cock, watching her bite her bottom lip and frowning in ecstasy. He ran his mouth over her neck and shoulders, and then went down to her firm breasts, literally burying his face in them, licking and engulfing the soft but hardened nipples. He got back to her lips, biting them and rolling his tongue over them. He couldn’t get enough of her, he wanted to touch her everywhere and bring pleasure to every inch of her body. He didn’t forget to work his cock inside her, and she was trembling and moaning every time he moved it in and out. She managed to match his rhythm. She was so close.

That felt like it was what they were meant to do. They always felt good together, but now everything was something else entirely. It seemed like both their bodies were literally created for each other. Neither of them could tell where one’s body ended and where the other’s begun. They were completely united in every possible way. The magic word “fate” suddenly came to Sam’s clouded mind for a short second before Caitríona started to scratch his back and shoulders with her fingernails, screaming out his name and shaking in convulsions.

“Sam, Sammm, I’m commming, fuckkk...so good, you are so good, don’t let me go, stay with me, stay in me, oh my god, oh, please...”

It didn’t take him long to follow her. His orgasm was already approaching, and a second later it washed over him like an ocean wave. He gave out a small cry, let it out and collapsed onto her. They held each other close, breathing hard, both covered in sweat, slowly regaining consciousness.

“That was...wow,” Sam said 2 minutes later, and Cait smiled with her eyes still closed.

“Yes. I second that,” she whispered happily into his chest and breathed him in. 

He placed a soft kiss on her forehead and cupped her chin. She opened her eyes, raised her head, and they looked into each other’s souls. Sam felt like the happiest man on the planet having this woman in his bed, in his arms. 

Nearly an hour later, breathing peacefully Caitríona looked like she drifted off to sleep, resting her head on his shoulder. At least that’s what Sam thought when he gently brushed away the hair from her face and kissed her nose. 

“I love you. So much. If only you knew.” He whispered and hugged her closer.

***

It was 5 in the morning when Cait finally got home after that night. Her head was dizzy, begging for a big dose of aspirin. Her whole body was aching, sore, begging for hot shower and clean sheets. She took off her shoes and the dress, left them on the floor and rushed to take a shower. Standing under the hot water she kept replaying the events of the night in her head.

She had these vivid flashes of memory, running through her mind every single time she closed her eyes. The party, getting in the taxi, getting to Sam’s house, laughing, talking, convincing, kissing, undressing, kissing, more kissing… lying on his bed, having him on top, having him inside, fucking, touching, fucking, fucking, screaming, cracking.

Was the sex bad? It wasn’t. In fact, it was probably the best sex of her life. She liked it a lot despite the fact that she was drunk. She was aware of every move, every touch, every kiss, every shiver, and every word. She loved it, and it scared her to death. It definitely wasn’t just a fuck for her. It was more. And, it didn’t take her much time to realize that.

“I love you.

So much.”

Tears mixed in with the hot water, as she slid down the cold shower wall, wrapped her arms around her knees. She didn’t know how much time passed til she turned off the water, put on underwear and pajamas, then collapsed into bed. She fell asleep the minute her head touched the pillow.

She woke up the next morning feeling like she was run over by a train. _Damn it_ , she thought. And the whole day was like a blur. No phone calls, no texts, no going out. No contact with anyone. She didn’t even want to pet her cat. Eddie spent half the day sleeping and the other half moving around the house all by herself, but Cait didn’t even care.

“ _I love you. So much. If only you knew_.” Kept echoing in her head like a thunder no matter how hard she tried to push these fragments of her memories away.

“ _If only you knew_.”

Now, she knew. And, she had no idea what to do with it. For the first time she thanked the universe that they were on a break from filming and had time to spend on their own, so she wouldn’t have to interact with him or anyone else for a long period of time.


	3. A Thousand Cuts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short one, but I'll post chapter 4 sooner than you'll expect it :P

Simple “ _Oh_ ” escaped Sam’s mouth when he heard the truth. He returned to the living room, without looking at Cait, and sat on the couch. Caitríona followed him but stopped just a few meters away. She started to pace around the room, with her arms wrapped around her waist, occasionally glancing at him. “You heard me say that… But you left anyway…” Sam added as he poured himself a glass of whisky. He paused for a second before taking a sip, noticing the mark from Cait’s lips on the glass, like a tattoo. He quickly emptied it in one go, and put the glass back on the table.

He glanced at her, she looked rattled. But that couldn’t stop him, and he continued. “You asked me to make love to you... You gave yourself to me, and I gave myself to you. Do you even know how many times I imagined that? How much I wanted that? To have you in my arms, and in my bed? No crew, no cameras, just you and me… We spent the night together, I couldn’t believe that, but then you were just…gone. I told you I _loved_ you. And, you heard me. But, you left anyway, like it meant nothing to you. Like, _I_ meant nothing to you. And, now you are here, but it doesn’t make things any better!”

Sam’s speech nearly broke Cait’s heart. She wished only one thing at this moment - not to burst into tears. She cautiously sat on the floor beside him and touched his knee. “Sam… Listen to me, please… I appreciate you, so much. Having you in my life, and everything that we have…it’s a gift I’m not sure I deserve. You mean everything to me, Sam…” She took his hand in her own and looked him in the eyes. “You mean so much to me, but it scares me. I think that I…”

Sam’s heart sunk in his stomach at her words. “What?” He interrupted her.

“Yes,” she smiled unintentionally, and her face softened. She kept holding his hand, entwining her fingers with his. “Actually, one of the reasons I came here today was to tell you all this. Please, don’t ask me why it took me so long. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I finally decided to do it today. I woke up, and this entire day was just a disaster, everything went wrong. I had a fight with my neighbor, Eddie got sick, my car is still not working, Karolina is out of the country, and out of reach, and I just needed someone to hold me. I was feeling so lonely, like never before, and…”

“And, then you thought about _me_?” Sam said with an unamused tone and raised his eyebrows, squeezing Cait’s hand but not letting go.

“No,” she replied, quietly. “I never stopped thinking about you.” She squeezed his hand in return. “I missed you every bloody day. And there was so much I wanted to say… But, I came here to your house, in the middle of the night, saw your face and realized that I can’t say anything what I wanted to say. On my way here, I was not even sure if you still had any… _feelings_ for me, and I wouldn’t look like an idiot. But, I knew that I wanted to see _you_.” She paused to breathe and finally admitted. “That night I panicked. And, I still do… I don’t know what to do, I-”

“Don’t cry, please.” Sam whispered and wiped away the tear from Cait’s cheek. The tear that she didn’t even notice was rolling down. Seeing her tears caused him actual chest pains.

“Am I crying again? Damn it, sorry…” She let go of his hand and rubbed her eyes. Sam immediately missed her touch.

“I don’t understand you, Caitríona. What do you want? What do you want from _me_?” He was getting impatient.

“I don’t know. I'm not good at this. I never know what I’m doing...”

“Do you regret what happened that night, Cait?” Sam directly asked her.

That question took her by surprise. Caitríona lifted her head and looked at him. Her lips were trembling, eyes sparkling with tears, heart racing in her chest. She looked lost and scared. And, she couldn’t say anything.

“You know what… I…I can’t do this right now. I’m tired. I think that you should go. I need you to leave.” With that, he got up from the couch and left the living room without looking back, leaving Cait sitting alone on the floor. He walked away and slammed the door of his bedroom.

Five minutes later he heard Cait open and then shut the front door of his house. Ten minutes later, he heard the taxi driving away.

He exited the bedroom and went back to the living room. The neatly folded white t-shirt, that he gave her, was lying on his couch. He took it in his hands and breathed in her scent.

She was gone.

***

On her way home, Caitríona felt like it was the most stupid and unbelievable thing that happened to her in her entire life. How quickly did Sam jump from “I don’t want you to go” to “I need you to leave?” _Un-f*cking-believable_ , she thought to herself, as hot and angry tears kept falling from her eyes. There was no point to hide and hold them back anymore. She didn’t even have strength or will to do it. She simply didn’t care. She went to Sam but he basically kicked her out. She knew it was her fault. _Stupid. Stupid. Stupid, Caitríona. It’s all my fault. I should have never come there_ , she kept telling to herself, sobbing quietly.

“Are you okay, Miss?” she heard the driver’s voice out of nowhere. For a brief moment, she forgot she was sobbing in the taxi.

“I’m sorry. Yes, I’m fine.” She said and wiped away the tears.

“You’re an actress, yes?” He kept talking, “From that show about time travel, oh, my wife loves it.” He turned his head and looked at Caitríona. “Wow, you look exactly like her! My wife wouldn’t believe it!”

The man was getting on Cait’s nerves. “I’m not an actress, and I don’t play in any stupid show!” She snapped. “Please… Just watch the road!”

“Alright, Miss, sorry.” The driver apologized and scratched his head. “This rain... Will it ever stop?”

That was certainly a rhetorical question, but even if it wasn’t, Cait didn’t feel like holding any conversation at the moment. She didn’t mean to be rude; she didn’t want to have any human interaction at all. All she wanted was to be home and hug her cat. Then she would call her parents and go back to Ireland for the rest of the break. And, probably, for the rest of her life. At least that’s what she thought, when she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

>>


	4. We Might Fall

_We should go to sleep now,  
_ _You should stay the night  
_ _I’ll be up to watch the world around us live and die_

_[We Might Fall by Ryan Star]_

_< <_

Sam barely slept. He woke, again, to knocking at his front door. It felt like the person, on the other side, was literally kicking that unfortunate door with their feet. He opened his eyes and rolled them so hard he should have had a seizure. _I can’t believe someone is here again_ , he thought, putting on a shirt, and slowly walking to the door.

“Damn you, Heughan!” Cara, Caitriona’s manager, yelled at him as she barged into the house. “Why on Earth don’t you pick up your fucking phone? I’ve called you all morning! For the past three hours!”

“What? I... I turned off my phone. Sorry, I needed sleep. Last night was a catastrophe. And, why are you yelling at me? What the hell is going on?”

“It’s...it’s Caitríona. There was an accident. She’s in the hospital! Her doctor said she kept calling out for you before passing out...you bastard!” Cara kept yelling at him, pacing around the hall.

Sam’s eyes widened, and he felt his heart squeeze in his chest at the shocking news. A hundred of thoughts immediately ran through his mind. Cait, his Cait, was in the hospital? But, she was right there, with him, just a few hours ago. Was she hurt? Was she injured? Was she even breathing? Sam couldn’t help but starting to blame himself. If he hadn’t kicked her out of his house, she wouldn’t have ended up in the hospital. Suddenly, a physical pain, in his gut, almost knocked him out, when he finally spoke. “What...? What are you talking about?! An accident? What the hell happened? Where is she? How is she?!”

“She’s in The Glasgow Royal Hospital. I spoke to the doctor, but he didn’t tell me a single thing. They wouldn’t even let me in, to see her, as I’m not a close family member. I can’t fucking believe this, Sam! You know what!? Grab your shit, we’re going there right now, and you are going to tell me everything! Move your ass!”

Still half awake, and exhausted from last night, Sam quickly put on his leather jacket, grabbed his phone, and followed Cara to the waiting car. This is going to be one hell of a day.

On their way to hospital, Sam told Cara that Caitríona was with him last night. That she came to talk to him, and then left in the wee hours of the morning by taxi. To his surprise, Cara didn’t ask any questions, and Sam felt relieved. The last thing he wanted to do was tell her every, single, agonizing detail of last night.

As soon as they entered the building, Sam rushed to reception. “May I please speak with the chief?” He asked nervously, his voice shaking.

“Sir, please, calm down…” the woman in a white jacket tried to calm Sam’s nerves, as his temper started to flare.

“A woman, 37 years old, dark hair, in a green jumper and jeans, was delivered to you a few hours ago, after a car accident. I need to know everything about her. Where is she?” He was almost screaming, his heart racing in his chest.

“Sir, please come with me,” Sam heard a male voice say and quickly turned around. “My name is Graham Stevenson. I’m the chief of Glasgow Royal. Please, let’s go to my office. I know who you mean. The patient is Caitríona Balfe, and she is with our best surgeons…”

“Surgeons? She is in surgery? Is she ok? What happened? Sir, she is not just a patient, okay? I…I hope you understand that. Please tell me you are giving her your best treatment…”

“Of course, Sir. She had a mild traumatic brain injury, a fracture of the wrist, and multiple bruises. But, she is lucky; accidents like this one usually don’t end up this well. The driver, his name was Robert…” The chief suddenly fell silent, and Sam’s heart dropped.

“That’s…horrible…” was all he could manage to say.

“May I please ask your name?”

“Sam. You can call me Sam.”

“Oh, so it’s you. I see, I see…” The chief said with a small smile, and Sam’s whole body tensed again. “Please, stay in the waiting room, if you wish. As soon as we have news, I will let you know. Everything is going to be fine with your girlfriend.” With that he left.

“She’s not my girlfr-…” Sam started, but was cut off by Cara.

“Sam! Here you are! Have you managed to find out anything?” She asked him nervously.

“Yes, Caitríona is… She is in surgery. The chief basically told me nothing, but he said she’s gonna be fine.”

“That’s all that matters!” Cara exclaimed. “I need a fucking cup of coffee. I haven’t even had breakfast today because of you. Do you need anything?”

“No. I don’t need anything. I’ll just…be waiting here.” Sam said softly. He didn’t have any breakfast either. The only thing he needed right now was to see Caitríona’s face again.

***

They say, “No news is good news,” but, at this moment it was different to Sam. Not knowing anything made him imagine the worst. What if he would never talk to her again, hear her laugh and look into her eyes, hold her hand? He shouldn’t have acted like an ass and kicked her out of his house. What if she would never wake up?

He already had been on the phone with Ron and then with Maril. None of them knew what happened at his place last night, and why Caitríona was even there, but for some reason Sam sensed that everyone was blaming him for what happened to her. He certainly blamed himself.

Nearly two hours passed before he saw Chief Stevenson standing in the hospital hallway with another doctor. He jumped off the chair and walked quickly towards them.

“Sam, this is doctor Abrams, your girlfriend’s surgeon…”

“You both seem so familiar to me,” Abrams said, but judging by Sam’s facial expression, he realized it was better not to take this any further. “So, she is doing great, the surgery went well, and her wrist and head are fine. The small bruises will heal with time, too. There’s absolutely nothing to worry about.”

A wave of relief washed over Sam as he listened to the news. “Can I see her?” he asked.

“Of course, you can. She is in room 359, still hasn’t woken up after the anesthesia. But you can see her, and take her home today.”

_Home._

“Thank you, Doctor Abrams. Chief Stevenson, I appreciate your assistance.” Sam said with a happy voice and shook both doctors’ hands.

“It was nice meeting you. Hope to never see you again.”

Sam knew it was a common joke that doctors say to their patients. It made him smile.

He walked towards the room 359 and stopped, taking a deep breath. He was still hating and blaming himself for everything that happened during the past 12 hours. What if she wanted nothing to do with him anymore? What if she told him he shouldn’t even be here? What if she would tell him to leave just like he told her to? “ _You never know if you don’t try,_ ” he thought to himself, and turned the door knob.

>>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I first started this story, I didn't think I'd go this way... But here I am. Don't hate me :P Would love to see your thoughts on this though...


	5. Are we in the clear yet?

_Remember when you hit the brakes too soon_  
_Twenty stitches in a hospital room._  
_When you started crying baby, I did too,_  
_But when the sun came up I was looking at you._

Sam walked into the room, and his heart broke into a million tiny pieces as soon as he saw Caitríona lying on the hospital bed. Her face was pale, dark circles under her eyes, with bruises on her left cheek and neck. There were probably more, he just couldn’t see them right now. But, even in this condition, she was still the most beautiful woman he’d ever laid eyes on.

The bandage on the broken wrist of her right hand looked terrifying to him, even though the doctor said it was nothing serious. Trying to swallow the huge lump in his throat, Sam took a few steps toward the bed, and just stood there looking at her. She was still sleeping, just as the doctor warned. He didn’t say how long it was going to take her to wake up. Tears started to burn his eyes. He was not going to fight them. 

“Oh, Cait…” he whispered and kneeled beside her. He gently touched her left hand and then lightly squeezed it. He kissed her fingers and rested his head on her bedside. He took a deep breath and felt her fingers move in his hand. Quickly, Sam lifted his head and looked at her. Slowly, she began waking up.

  
“Cait... Darling?”

“Where am I?” She said with a weak voice, looking around anxiously. “Damn it…my head, it hurts, and my hand… What happened?”

“Cait… You’re in the hospital. There was a car accident. Do you remember? ”

“It was raining…” she mumbled. “I remember how the car crashed into another car…and then everything went black. Oh my god… What about the driver?”

Sam’s face went blank. “His name was Robert.”

“Was?”

“The doctor said he didn’t make it. I’m sorry.”

Cait’s heart squeezed in her chest. She closed her eyes and let out a silent sob. “I snapped at him. He was trying to make conversation. I think he recognized me, but I shouted at him, I was angry… And, now it’s the last thing someone said to him before he…died.”

“You couldn’t have known. Don’t blame yourself.” Sam tried to calm and support her, reaching out to touch her shoulder.

“What are you doing here?” She asked, suddenly.

He didn’t expect this question, and his jaw dropped. “I… Um…”

“You shouldn’t be here.” Cait said quietly, and turned away.

“Cait…” He made an attempt to talk to her, but was interrupted again.

“I think you should leave me alone. I don’t want you to see me, and I don’t want to see you, either.”

  
Her words felt like a punch in the gut. “Okay,” Sam swallowed and took a step back. “But, let me say something, please…” He searched her face, looking for permission. She didn’t say anything in protest, so he decided it was safe to continue. “I’m sorry, Caitríona… It’s my fault that you are here. I wish I could turn back time… You could have died today, and that would be on me. It would be my fault. I'm sorry. If you want me to leave, fine...”

  
Sam paused and looked at her. “Just one more thing I have to say. And, this time I’m going to make sure that you really hear me.” He paused again. “I love you, Caitríona.” And, with that, he turned around and left the room.

The moment the door shut behind Sam, Caitríona closed her eyes and a single tear rolled down her cheek. Then, another one followed. She opened her eyes and looked out the window. The rain had stopped, and the sun was now shining. She carefully touched her aching face, right where the bruises were, and sighed deeply.

Doctor Stevenson walked into the room a few minutes later. “Just saw your boyfriend, he seemed upset,” the doctor said, scanning the monitors. “Everything looks normal. How do you feel?”

“Everything hurts. And, he’s not my boyfriend,” Cait muttered, as she tried to sit up.

“You should have seen him, you know, while you were in surgery. The man worried about you since the moment he got here. I thought he would hit the wall with his fist. He spent two hours sitting in the waiting room. He didn’t move, refused to eat; he looked like someone he knew had died. I think I saw him shed a tear. I’m not sure... I think he loves you. Wasn’t he supposed to take you home?”

  
Cait’s heart clenched. “No. I told him to leave.”

“Well, he hasn’t. He’s still sitting out there.”

She gave him a questioning look, but didn’t say anything. “I need to make a few calls. Where’s my phone? I need to speak with my friend and our producer. I need to tell them what happened...” She said, and the last words were barely audible, she almost couldn’t hear them herself.

“I think what you need is more rest, Caitríona,” the doctor said. “We have decided to keep you here 'til tomorrow. Just to make sure all your vitals are normal and stable. I’ll be checking on you personally.”

“Thank you, Doctor. I realized I still hadn’t thanked you properly. For everything you have done for me here. Thank you.” Cait said, with a smile.

“It’s alright, you don’t have to thank me. Just doing my job. I’ll check on you in a few hours. You’re very lucky, Ms. Balfe.” He winked, as he patted her shoulder, and left the room.

  
***

Caitríona slept almost all day and all evening, only interrupted twice to eat and have her vitals tested. It was past 10pm when she woke up again. The hospital room was dark, it was silent, and she could only hear the wind howling outside the window. She sat on her bed and froze, in surprise, when she noticed someone sitting in the chair next to her. Focusing her eyes, in the dark, she recognized Sam's silhouette. He was sleeping, sitting up, using only his hand as a pillow. _That must be really uncomfortable_ , was Cait’s first thought. _And, I told him to leave_ …, was the second.

She wrapped her arms around her knees and just stared at him, in silence, for several minutes. He looked tired but peaceful in his sleep. Breathing slowly and shuddering from time to time, which she had always found endearing. She got up from the bed and slowly walked to him. It hurt to walk. Everything inside her was turning upside down. That hurt even more. Shaking, Cait made the final step and carefully crawled onto Sam's lap. She put her left hand on his chest, rested her chin on his shoulder, breathing on his neck.

“Caitríona…” Sam woke up and looked at her.

“Shhh,” she lifted her head to face him, their eyes meeting in the darkness. “Sam…”

“Cait… How are you feeling? How long have you-”

“Been sitting on your lap?” She smiled. “How long have you been…sleeping here?”

“Well,” he said and smiled at her, without breaking the eye contact.

“I’m feeling better.” She said softly. “Sam... I told you to go...”

He shook his head. “I couldn’t leave you alone here.”

“The Chief said you hadn’t left the hospital since you had gotten here.”

  
“That’s true.” Sam said. “And, I spoke with Ron and Maril. Both said we now have to postpone filming for 1-2 months, until you are fully recovered. They didn’t sound happy…”

Cait looked down and shook her head. “Damn it.”

“I’m sorry.” Sam whispered.

“This is not your fault.” She quickly reassured him. “You have to stop blaming yourself for everything that happened. We both messed up...”

Sam nodded and looked down, gently brushing his fingers over her back. She felt him lifting his arm, as he was about to hug her, but he hesitated and looked away.

  
“Hey, what is it?” She asked carefully.

  
“I’m scared…to touch you.”

  
“Don’t be.” Caitríona whispered and caressed his chin. “You can touch me. Please touch me.”

Tears sparkled in Sam’s eyes. His strong arms gently embraced her svelte shape, and he breathed her in, still afraid of hurting her. “Your bruises and scars… I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t hurt me...”

“Oh, Cait…” his voice broke, and he hugged her tighter, pressing his cheek against her forehead. In his arms, she felt nothing but safe.

“You know… The accident...” Cait started, feeling the tears coming. “When I felt the car shake, and on the way to the hospital, in the ambulance, I thought that I would never see you again. I think I called out your name… I wished you were with me, holding my hand. I was angry at you, and at myself, and… But, Sam, I wished that you were there.” She said, and her voice broke as she started to cry into his chest. “I was so scared.”

“Cait, please... I…” Sam almost cried too. “When… When Cara came to my house, and told me you were in a car accident, I thought that I might just die right there. I cannot even describe what I was feeling. Shock. Guilt. Anger… I felt so helpless, just sitting in the waiting room, looking for a sign. I prayed for you, even though the doctor said there was nothing serious… And, when I saw you lying here, sleeping, your face… I’m sorry I told you to leave. I shouldn’t have…”

“Shhh, Sam, please, please…” Cait put a finger on his mouth. “Please, it’s in the past. And, I’m here now. I'm okay. I’m here, and I want…” She stopped and looked at his lips, her heart started to beat faster in her chest. She parted her lips, and Sam felt her hot breath on his. He didn’t say anything but leaned closer, and their lips met in a soft, slow, transcendent kiss that left them both short of breath, lost in the moment. It felt like the time had stopped. Sam pulled her closer, and even though Cait still felt pain in her whole body, she believed that his strong and warm embrace would heal her.

“Sam?” she asked quietly, when they stopped kissing, and she rested her head on his chest.

“What?”

“Will you take me home tomorrow?”

>>>


	6. Soon you'll get better

_I'll paint the kitchen neon,_  
_I'll brighten up the sky_  
_I know I'll never get it,_  
_There's not a day that I won't try_  
_And I'll say to you_  
_Oh, soon you'll get better_

Sitting in Sam’s car on the way home from the Glasgow Royal Hospital, Caitríona felt safe. He was an excellent driver, and this was a much more suitable way to get home. Cait's recent taxi experiences hadn't ended well, and she didn’t want to tempt fate, again, so soon!

Still nervous after everything that happened two days ago, both were suddenly afraid to start a conversation, and only exchanged looks and small talk. To Cait, Sam was the kind of person with whom people could feel comfortable, even in silence. And, for Sam, Cait was the same.

Once they arrived at Cait’s house, Sam helped her get out of the car while holding her arm. They smiled at each other and entered the house.

“I can’t believe I’m finally home. The doctor wanted to keep me there for one more day. I’m not sure I would be able to survive it. I hate hospitals. Thank you for driving me home.”

“You’re welcome. It’s nothing, really. I’m glad you’re home, too. Is there anyone who likes hospitals, though?” He chuckled.

Eddie meowed from the living room, but didn’t get up from her spot. “Hope you’re feeling better, fatty!” Cait shouted to her cat. Turning to Sam, she explained, “I left her alone, and sick, the other day, but with enough food and water. Looks like she survived. I’ll apologize to her later.” With that, they walked into the kitchen.

“What about you, Cait? How do you feel?” Sam asked, concerned. “You barely spoke to me on our way here.”

”I’m fine. I’m still feeling weak, and I have a headache… I’m just tired, I guess. And, I still have to wear this on my wrist. I feel like I have only one hand.” She frowned, gesturing at the bandage. But Sam felt something else was wrong. He could hear it in her voice. During all this time, they've worked together, he learned to read her face, and now it was saying to him that something was bothering her. But, he just couldn’t tell just what, exactly.

“What is it? You can tell me anything.” He asked, straight away.

Cait hesitated, licked her lips, and looked down. “Umm, I wanted to ask... Will you…stay here with me tonight, please?”

Sam smiled and walked towards her. “Remember what I told you in the hospital yesterday? I’m not leaving. I’m going to stay for as long as you want me to. If you want me to stay, I'll stay.” With that, he leaned closer and pressed his forehead against hers. Cait shuddered, but then closed her eyes, and smiled. Sam gently took her right wrist in his hand and placed a soft kiss on it.

“Okay. Yes, but… What about the night? Will you stay with me during the night, as well?” She asked, as she looked him in the eyes.

Sam tensed for a second, but recovered quickly. “Of course. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

Cait nodded, and pursed her lips. “It’s almost 5pm, are you hungry?” She asked, as she moved towards the fridge, but Sam stopped her right away.

“Hey, hey, what are you doing? You need rest, I’m going to take care of everything. Please go get in bed. I’ll figure out something for dinner.”

“I’m not hungry. I thought that, maybe, you wanted…”

“You don’t have to worry about me at all, Caitríona. I can take care of myself, too.” He cupped her cheek and brushed her nose with his index finger. Sam was right. She needed rest. She nodded again, and thanked him, then slowly left the kitchen. Sam watched her walk away and close the door to her room. Everything inside him was tightening.

In her bedroom, Cait took off all her clothes and stood in front of the big mirror. Apart from having a broken wrist, almost all of her body was covered in purple bruises and angry lacerations. She shuddered, as she studied herself from head to toe.

> _“Somebody call 911!!!”_
> 
> _“Miss! Can you hear me?”_
> 
> _“Let’s get her out of the car!”_
> 
> _“One. Two. Three!”_
> 
> _“Miss, can you hear me? Can you say your name?”_
> 
> _“Sam... I need you...”_
> 
> _“She’s gonna pass out!”_
> 
> _“Check her pulse!”_
> 
> _“I’ve got her. I’ve got her!”_

Terrifying memories were flashing in front of her eyes, and she turned away from the mirror. Wrapping her arms around her waist, feeling sorry for herself, she felt the tears coming.

“Sorry, I forgot to ask…” She heard Sam open the door to her bedroom, and flinched. His eyes widened when he saw her standing there bare, exposed, and scared. “I’m sorry…” Sam looked away but immediately glanced back at her. “Cait... Are you okay?”

She slowly shook her head and said with a trembling voice. “I don’t…think so…”

Sam took a soft blanket from the chair, put it around her shoulders and hugged her. She snuggled to him, as close as possible, and started crying silently. He felt her hot tears on his neck. It was unbearable. He didn’t even know what he could do to stop her pain. All he wanted was to comfort the woman he loved, to take the pain away, and keep her safe.

“It’s okay, it’s okay…” Sam whispered into her hair, as he drew circles on her back in an attempt to calm her. “You will be okay. You will be fine. Do you hear me? You just need time, Cait. And, I will make sure that you have all the time you need.” He added, and kissed her forehead, as he felt his heart sinking into his stomach.

She could only nod as silent sobs escaped her throat. “I hate that you are seeing me like this…”

He hugged her tighter, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. “You don’t have to be ashamed of anything, Cait. I’m sorry this happened to you. And, I wish I could do something. Anything...”

“You’ve already done a lot for me. I’m grateful. I just thought it would be...easier.”

“I know, I know. You sure you don’t wanna eat?” Sam asked carefully, while he caressed her shoulders.

“I’m not hungry. I think I just want to sleep. Please, just stay here.” She whispered, as she stepped away, and looked at him with teary eyes.

“Of course,” he said, and caressed her cheeks, wiping away the tears. “I’ll be right here.”

>>>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, prepare for some angst in the next chapter.
> 
> p.s. This one was written weeks ago, when Cait's cat Eddie was still with us. She's not anymore. We can never keep our pets long enough.  
> rip Eddie. :(
> 
> p.p.s. I just keep occasionally using taylor swift songs to name my chapters, hope you don't mind.


	7. Look what you made me do

“I had a nightmare.”

It was 2am. Sam woke up and saw Caitríona standing beside the couch, where he had settled for the night. “What? Cait? What’s wrong?”

“I said I had a nightmare. About that night. About the accident,” she said, quietly.

“What do you need? Please, what should I do?” Sam sat up on the couch, and reached out for her hand. She was shaking.

“I want you to sleep with me. In my bed. Please.”

“Cait, I… Are you sure?”

“Why wouldn’t I be sure? Why are you even asking?” She started getting nervous. And, Sam wanted anything but that.

“Okay, of course. Sorry.” He got up from the couch and followed her to the bedroom. 

“Your side is the left one,” Caitríona gestured at the bed, lying down on the right side. She curled up in a ball, staring at Sam as he turned off the light and settled next to her.

They were lying in silence, facing each other, hearing nothing but each other’s breathing. The bedroom window was open, letting in a cold breeze. 

“Hug me,” Cait said. Sam leaned closer and wrapped his left hand around her waist. She rested her head on his chest. She was still shivering from time to time.

“Your sister called. Anne Marie. While you were sleeping…” Sam said, quietly.

“What did she want? I hope you didn’t tell her anything,” Cait replied, with concern in her voice.

“I didn’t. But, she was surprised it was me who picked up the phone,” he added.

Cait chuckled. “I’ll call her tomorrow. I don’t want my family to worry, and I know they will. Thank you. Damn, there’s so much I will have to explain to everybody. Just thinking about this makes my head hurt even more.” She sighed and closed her eyes. He slowly stroked her back, and, after a while, they both were overcome with sleep.

A couple of hours later, Sam woke up to Cait's soft whimpers. She was still sleeping. _Dreaming_ , he thought to himself, as he leaned closer. She suddenly opened her eyes, gasping for air. Sam gently grabbed her shoulder, afraid of scaring her even more. “Cait. Cait, it's me. You're safe here. I’m here, I’m here.” He tried to calm her down.

“I keep having this dream... This nightmare. I'm in the car, and... Oh my god… I could have died…” She let out a sob at realization. It finally hit her like a pile of bricks. “I can’t handle this. Why can’t it just stop? Why did it have to happen to me?” She panicked.

Sam gently placed his hand on Cait's cheek, staring at her with compassion. “Caitríona...” His voice cracked slightly, “I am so sorry.”

“Hold me. Don't leave me,” she whispered, moving closer. 

And, it was the least Sam could do for her, at that very moment, until she drifted off to sleep again.

***

Caitríona woke up first to the sun starting to rise. She tensed for a moment, and then relaxed, realizing that Sam was peacefully sleeping next to her on the other side of the bed. She trusted him. She was sure that he would never hurt her. 

Her head still hurt a bit, and the bruises on her arms and legs reminded her of the terrible accident. Slowly getting out of bed, Cait headed to the bathroom for her usual morning routine. She was right when she said that having a bandage on her wrist felt like having one hand. It was a real challenge for her to wash her face and brush her teeth with just one hand. Her doctor said it would take up to four or five weeks until she could get rid of the bandage, and get back to her normal life.

In the kitchen, Caitríona poured herself a glass of cold water, then another one. Standing in front of the open window, she looked outside, and shivered as the cold wind washed over her. The trees were almost all yellow and red. Fall. It was one of her favorite things to admire, when she was little. She loved to play with fallen leaves in the backyard with her siblings - throwing red, orange, and yellow leaves in the air, above her head, and spinning under them as they fell to her face. These memories made her smile. She closed the window when she heard Sam’s voice coming from her bedroom. Cait frowned, tiptoed, and leaned her ear against the door.

“ _I think she might have PTSD… She can’t sleep, doesn’t want to eat. She’s been crying, shaking, and having nightmares, mood changes... I have no idea what to do. I think she might need help. Help I cannot give her_.”

Angry tears stuck in Cait’s throat as she kept listening. When Sam stopped talking, she flung opened the door. “I don’t have PTSD!”

Sam almost dropped his mobile phone and jumped in surprise. “I’ll call you later, sorry.” He mumbled into the phone and put it in his pocket.

“Who have you been talking to?” She asked angrily.

“Cait, please…”

“Who?!”

“Doctor Stev-…”

“What do you think you are doing?!”

“I want to help you. I am worried about you,” he tried to explain, but she cut him off.

“I cannot believe this…” She let out a silent sob, sat on the bed, and put her face in her hands. “You said that I just needed time, and, and that I would be okay. But, now, you want to put me in the hospital, again? Is that what you want? Is that what you think I really need?” She clenched her teeth and let the tears flow. “What about the show? Will I be able to act again?” Cait continued, crying. “If you think that I’m traumatized, that I’m some psycho… Bloody hell, Sam! I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t kick me out of your house in the middle of the night!”

Sam just stood there in a daze, anger running through his veins. Breathing heavily, he screamed back at her, “How can you say that!? I spent all that time blaming myself! I’m scared to touch you, to breathe near you. And, you told me it wasn’t my fault! But, you know what? None of this would have happened if you hadn’t come to my house that night in the first place, Caitríona!”

His words sounded like a thunder in the dark, cloudy sky, one by one punching her in the chest, making her feel numb, and helpless, and guilty, and…defeated. 

“Oh…wow…” She slowly lifted her head to face him. “So, this is what you really think? That I shouldn’t have come to your house, that night?” She stood up, still feeling pain in her knees and her whole body, and slowly walked to him, not breaking eye contact. “You’re a coward, Sam Heughan.” She paused and briefly examined him from head to toes. “If I didn’t make the first step that night, you would’ve never made it yourself.”

“Then, why did you leave, Cait? You didn’t like it? You regretted it? Tell me! Because, you are not making any damn sense here! I don’t understand you anymore. What have we become? Best friends turned into…what?”

“I told you I panicked!” She said, desperately.

“I’m not buying it.”

“I don’t want to talk about this!”

He groaned and unintentionally grabbed her by the right wrist, just where she had fractured it just one day ago. “You… You are a coward yourself, Balfe.”

“Don’t touch me!” She grimaced in pain, and slapped him with the other hand. 

Sam let go off her arm, rubbed his reddened cheek and said quietly. “I’m sorry… You know what, I better go. Your doctor said you’re just fine, and you can be here on your own. If you need help, call the hospital, they will send you a nurse. Luckily, your insurance covers everything. I’m not going to babysit you anymore.” With that he stormed out of her bedroom, grabbed his things, and walked towards the front door.

Cait realized she wasn’t ready to give up so quickly. She wasn’t able to understand herself anymore, either. “Do you still love me?” She asked, as she followed him. 

Sam already opened the front door, but stopped and turned back to look at her. “What?” 

“I asked a simple question. Do. You. Still. Love. Me?” Her voice broke.

He looked down, then aside, and then back at her. “I never stopped loving you, Caitríona. I love you more than I loved you yesterday, and less than I will love you tomorrow. My heart is beating in my throat every time I look at you. You own me, Cait. Completely, utterly, absolutely.” 

For some reason, with every word said, Sam’s voice just grew angrier.“I love you as certain as the sky is blue, Caitríona. I am obsessed with you. You. **You**. **_You_**. Everywhere is you. When you were in the hospital, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t leave you. I just stayed there waiting for your doctors to show up, and tell me that you were going to live. Sometimes I just…” Sam paused to catch his breath.

“Sometimes, you just... _What_ , Sam?” Cait asked him, scared of hearing the actual answer.

“Don’t make me say it, Cait… You are not gonna like it.”

“Why? What is it?”

He looked at her intensely, deciding to tell her. “Sometimes I… I wish I had never gotten the role of Jamie and never met you. My life wouldn’t be so miserable now, being head over heels in love with you, having my heart broken every single day, because of you. My life would be so much easier if I didn’t have you in it. But, I see you don’t need this. You never did. I’m such an idiot. This is a fucking mess.”

Caitríona just stood there silent, breathing heavily, with messy hair, teary eyes, and red cheeks. So small, and devastated, swallowing what Sam just told her, thinking of how heartbroken he actually was. Because of her. 

Receiving nothing but silence in return, Sam slowly shook his head, turned on his heels, and slammed the door behind him. It made Cait flinch. Standing there in the middle of the hallway, like a statue, in her nightgown, completely shocked, the tears starting to burn her eyes. She felt like her guts could fall out on the floor, and she wouldn’t stop it. Her head was splitting, and her heart... _Oh_ , her heart was shattered.

>>>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything is gonna be fine, don't worry :P


	8. Someone To Stay

“She wanted to say ‘Don’t leave me,’  
But she couldn’t do it, not again.  
She was so tired of begging people to love her.”

(Kristin Hannah, The Nightingale)

  
Sam almost opened his car door when he heard Caitríona’s voice again.

  
“You said you wouldn’t leave me!” She said, desperately.

He stopped halfway and froze. Hesitating for about three seconds, he slowly turned around and looked at her.

  
“Ppplease…” She was shaking so hard she could collapse right there. “Sam…”

  
He approached her and stopped at arm's length. “What do you want, Cait?”

  
“I don’t want you to go… Please…”

  
“Why?” Sam asked impatiently, but, again, didn’t receive an answer. He pushed her back into the house and closed the door with his foot. Looking her straight in the eye, he insisted, “Why? Why can’t you just say it?”

  
“Say what?” She gave him a surprised look, her voice was still trembling.

  
“You know what I’m talking about. I am so tired of this uncertainty… Just… Tell me… That night, in my house… Was it just a shag for you? Because…because you can’t just sleep with someone and pretend it never happened. Did you simply do it because you were drunk and bored, or because you really felt something and you truly wanted it?”

  
“Don’t talk to me like that…” She stepped back.

  
“Just…answer me,” he hissed. His eyes searched her face, penetrated her soul, and twisted her inside out.

  
“Of course, I wanted that… Sam. Please… What do you bloody want me to say?”

  
”I know you feel what I feel, Caitríona. But, for some reason you can’t say it. You are fighting it. You are causing me so much pain, Balfe.” Sam said desperately, as he started to lose his temper.

  
They gazed at each other for what felt like hours, breathing heavily, until she grabbed him by his neck and kissed him hard. Taken aback, he wanted to pull away from her, but she pulled him as tight as it was possible for her with just one hand. He automatically wrapped his arms around her waist. Her body still hurt after the accident, the touch of his fingers on her back caused her pain, but she suddenly didn’t mind. Physical pain seemed to be more bearable than the pain she felt in her chest for months. Cait deepened the kiss, her tongue was seeking entrance, and Sam gave up. They savored each other, devoured, and consumed completely. Their hearts racing in their chests, literally smashing against one another, in the silence of the room.

  
“I know that we both wanted that. I felt it in every single touch of yours. I saw it in your eyes. You wanted it just as much as I did. But you never dared to take the first step. Why?” She pulled back, and unintentionally licked her lips, looking Sam in the eye.

  
He was startled, astounded. It took him nearly a minute before he could say something. “Because I thought… I thought that you might not feel the same,” he admitted.

  
“Well, you were wrong, Sam.” Cait said quietly, and lowered her eyes, trying to look anywhere but at him. She slowly removed his hands from her waist, and sat on the couch.

  
“Last time I told someone I loved them, they broke my heart. Ripped it out and stomped on it. Made me feel like…like I was a toy to play with, and then I could be just thrown away,” she continued.

  
“Cait…”

  
“No. No, let me finish. You wanted me to speak. Now, let me.” She inhaled deeply. “He took everything away from me, treated me like shit, cheated on me. Made me feel I didn’t deserve love, that I can’t be loved. We were engaged, actually…” She let out a bitter laugh and touched her ring finger. “He… He not only broke my heart, he broke all expectations of how love is supposed to be… When we broke up, it felt like my heart just stopped.”

  
A single tear ran down Cait’s cheek, she wondered how much more liquid her eyes could produce. She looked so vulnerable, so fragile that it made Sam’s insides squeeze. He wanted nothing but to hold her in his arms, and protect her forever.

  
“I’m sorry, Cait… You never-…”

  
“I never told anybody.”

  
“What happened?” Sam asked carefully.

  
“He just...left. It’s that simple,” Cait answered, wiping at her tear stained cheeks.

  
Still processing what he just heard, Sam slowly sat on the couch beside her, and gently took her hands that were still shaking. “I will never leave you,” he said firmly and kissed her knuckles. “I will never break your heart, Caitríona.”

  
She smiled softly, took his face in her hands, and caressed his lips with her thumbs. Then leaned closer so their foreheads touched. Sam's heartbeat fastened when he felt her hot breath on his mouth.

  
“I’m sorry I shouted at you. I didn’t mean it,” Cait apologized, with her eyes closed.

  
“It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m sorry, too,” he whispered, leaning closer, so his lips were treacherously touching hers.

  
“I...never thought that I would fall in love with anyone else again,” she said, quietly. “And then, I… I never felt anything like this for anyone before. Even with my ex. Not even close.”

  
Sam just listened to her, not interrupting. He gently kept squeezing her hands, caressing her fingers and palms as well as her damaged wrist, while she was speaking, finally letting everything out.

  
“Everything is so different with you. I’m so different when I’m with you. I don’t know, I can’t explain it. Being with you on and off set, and being with you when it’s just you and me, you know? I’m not me. And, you’ve always been so good to me. Remember I told you I wasn’t sure I even deserved you at all?” She asked, quietly.

  
Sam could only nod, as the memories of that night when she came to his house flashed in his mind. Cait moved over closer to him. “May I?” She asked, before resting her head on his shoulder. Sam nodded again. They sat like this for several minutes. He pressed her body closer to him and caressed her hair, placing soft kisses on her forehead. Sam began to think Caitríona might have fallen asleep when he heard what he hadn’t expected to hear.

  
“I love you,” she said in a whisper and turned to face him. “Yes, I love you, Sam. Oh God, I love you, I love you, I love you. So much.” She kept repeating, as she kissed his lips and his face, holding it in her trembling hands. She didn’t know if they were her tears or his on his cheeks, they got mixed in a pool of feelings, confessions and revelations.

  
She stopped to catch her breath and just let their lips touch, not moving. “I'm so in love with you. I’m so sorry, I should have told you long time ago. I’m just so terrified it makes my bones shake.”

  
“Baby…” Sam hugged her so her chin rested on his shoulder, ran his fingers through her hair and stroked her back with the other hand.

“How are we going to live with this, now?” She whispered into his ear. “How do you think we are gonna work together and be together? What are we gonna say to everybody? Should we tell anybody? Should we risk everything? I’m scared. I want this. I want us. But, I’m so scared.”

  
“Shh... Listen to me, you don't have to think about this right now, Cait,” Sam reassured her. “What’s important now is how you feel, how fast you recover. And, you don’t need to be scared of anything as long as you have me. I’m kind of scared, too, but of only one thing. I’m scared of losing you, Caitríona. Because... These past few days, or even months, actually, made me realize that I can’t lose you. I can’t lose my best friend, my partner, my best costar ever, the woman I want and...the woman I’m so hopelessly in love with,” he said, and took her chin, caressed it with his thumb, and placed another soft kiss on her lips. “My life won’t be the same without you, and without what we have.”

  
“I can't lose you, too. My life will not be the same without you, either.”

  
“Then, we can get through this.” He whispered as he kissed the top of her head, and hugged her tight.

>>>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everybody for your support!
> 
> P.S. Might add one more chapter, but not sure. Do you want it? ;)


End file.
